Gather Round And Take A Knee: Survival Tips With Sergeant Paine

ROMANTIC WEEKEND GETAWAY

You want to impress your fresh girlfriend with a camping adventure, so you take her to the Florida Everglades for a three-day weekend. The problem, though, is that your dumb ass forgot to check the weather forecast. Six hours into Tropical Storm Thelma & Louise, you realize that everything is now wet. Building a fire is how you now intend to show off your bravado, uh … pardon me, I mean survival skills. In order to survive, you need fire and warmth. Keep those matches dry by kissing goodbye any chance you had of seducing your now-sopping-wet lover, and put them inside the condom you’ve been carrying around since the ninth grade. Condoms will not only keep your Willie dry, but also anything else you can “comfortably” put in them. 

SKIN TO WIN 

The brassiere has been around since the late 19^th Century, when it replaced the corset. Although some men need them and most women loathe them, they may save your life. If you are a woman who chooses the underwire variety, lucky for you, it is also a Swiss Army knife. The bra’s wire can actually be used for a long list of survival possibilities (e.g., making a fishing hook, lock picking, splinting material, snares, needles, etc.) If you don’t have an underwire, the cup itself can also be used for things such as water filtration and collection, lint for tinder, and gauze for wounds. By all means, set those puppies free — just keep the bra close by!

THROW FUEL ON THE FIRE 

Okay, old Sarge will admit that he has a bit of a pyro side. Yup, I like a fire — the bigger the better. Most of us out there have a basic understanding of and respect for our favorite forms of adventure, whatever they may be. However, a key ingredient in your survival kit should be Chap Stick or other lip balm. Although lip balm has a variety of survival implications, if you make sure yours has a petroleum base, it can also be used as a fire accelerant. Got damp tinder? Use some  Chap Stick to get you rolling, Stud-Muffin, and you can start watching “Ranger TV” sooner rather than later!

NOT ALL PEOPLE KNOW WHERE THEY ARE GOING

Ain’t that the truth! So, your afternoon jaunt in the backyard turns into that “Oh, shit!” moment when you realize you’re lost. Night has fallen and you decide against the best choice: taking up shelter. Instead, you choose to press on. It is an overcast night with a crescent moon. If you were Magellan, you would know that if you were to draw an imaginary line (or you can use a stick) across the opposite tips of the crescent moon straight down to the horizon, that line would point generally south. While it should probably go without being said, 180 degrees opposite the direction of your now south-pointing stick is generally north. BOOM! Now you are your own compass. Good luck, Storm Trooper! 

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