Ever just wake up one morning and realize you are destined for greatness? Maybe you’ve been searching for the right job and settled for mediocrity because of convenience? We’ve compiled a short list of jobs for men and women with true intestinal fortitude. These professions are thankless and dangerous. Do you think you have what it takes? Probably not, but let’s mock up some job announcements anyway.
1. Infantryman: Travel and adventure await you if you sign the dotted line! Do you enjoy extreme weather conditions, constant misery and being shot at in far-off, distant lands? If the answer is yes, you might be what Uncle Sam is looking for. People will try to kill you on a daily basis, but that’s actually the good side of being an infantryman. Back in garrison, you’ll be met with constant inspections, road marches and ass-chewings at a cyclic rate. It’s not glamorous and the pay is poor, but we’re hiring! (HARDEST JOBS, ENLISTED E-3 PAY : $24,500, free food, gear and accommodations)
2. Underground Coal Miner: Your fast high-school-football reflexes and love for small spaces will come in handy for this profession. We need athletes in good health to offset the effects of pneumoconiosis. If you enter this word into Google, you’ll find it means “black lung,” but never mind the small details. Coal is fuel for the production of steel and plastics; you and your union brothers will be literally building America. It’s cold and wet in those underground mines, but the good thing is you won’t get skin cancer. (HARDEST JOBS, AVERAGE PAY: $62,109)
The Bering Sea Is Calling
3. Alaska Crab Fisherman: If you can handle the tumultuous motion of the ocean and the stench of a nine-man crew, you might be just what we’re looking for. There’s nothing quite like the sound of a 700-pound steel pot whistling past your head as you stare off into the horizon, mindlessly grinding up herring and sardines in between hazing sessions. Time to put on your big boy waders and pop some Dramamine. You might not be as a cool as a pirate, but you’ll sure look like one after four weeks, and that’s something. (HARDEST JOBS, AVERAGE PAY FOR A FEW MONTHS’ WORK: $30,000)
4. Communications Tower Climber: Can you hear me now? If the answer is no, it’s because a communications tower climber failed to do his duty in your immediate area. Help in our global fight to end dropped calls. If you’ve always wanted to join the mile-high club, we’ll get you well on your way there, as you’ll climb in excess of 500 feet up a quickly erected cell tower built by a subcontractor with the lowest bid. Safety standards will require you to descend from the tower peg by peg, but little Johnny can’t “sext” his new girlfriend if you don’t move quickly. With the most fatalities than any other occupation in the U.S., there is plenty of opportunity to “move up the ladder.” (HARDEST JOBS, AVERAGE PAY: $36,000)
Feet And Knees Together Airborne
5. Smoke Jumper: Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane into a sea of flames and destruction is what we call a fun Saturday night. Get your life insurance policy in order and get on board! Typical house fires are no match for the violent wrath of Mother Nature that we call home. You’ll spend a surprisingly large amount of time slamming into the earth in our simulators as we train to fight wildfires. Let’s strap on 100 pounds of gear and scream “Geronimo!” as we take the leap into hell’s fury. Think of your favorite Bob Ross painting. Now think of it on fire. If you’re motivated to join us, remember to keep your feet and knees together when airborne. (HARDEST JOBS, AVERAGE PAY: $47,000)
6. Maximum Security Prison Guard: Surrounding yourself with high-risk, violent offenders with only a baton and pepper spray for protection can be quite rewarding. Contraband searches and lockdowns keep things interesting while you fear for your life every single day. You and your brothers in blue are unappreciated and constantly scrutinized by the public, whom you’ve taken an oath to protect. On a positive note, you’re first on the scene for cutting-edge prison workouts and CrossFit trends. (HARDEST JOBS, AVERAGE PAY: $42,000)
7. French Foreign Legion: You’re a scrapper. Your dad and granddad were both Air Force reservists, but you don’t want that life. Sure, you could train to be a Navy SEAL, but that would show patriotism to your government. You’re a rebel. You want a fresh start. You want the Legion. A Legionnaire is initially trained as a fighter and then earns a specialty such as sniper or sapper. There are 150 different nationalities that make up the Legion, so odds are you won’t be training with any guys named Wyatt from Muskogee, Oklahoma.
Fun fact: You can give a fake name when you join the Legion, but 80 per cent of new recruits choose not to.
If you decide to become Clint “Danger” Eastwood, with Danger as your middle name, you better be ready to walk the walk. Your first enlistment is 60 months (like your truck payment) and only 1,000 men make the cut each year. You’ve seen enough Jean-Claude Van Damme movies to know what it takes. With a motto like “Marche ou crève” (March or die), how hard could it be? (HARDEST JOBS, AVERAGE PAY: $18,000, free food, gear and accommodations)
8. Professional Wrestler: You’ve mastered the Figure Four leg lock and perfected the People’s Elbow in your backyard wrestling league. The mat is the only home you’ve known, and thoughts of your only female fan in Des Moines keep you warm at night. Sure, she has eight kids and questionable dental work, but she knew a winner when she saw you take the Intercontinental Title at the Iowa State Fair. You’re destined for fame, fortune and the WWE, right? Not even close.
Ninety-nine per cent of wrestlers work the independent circuits their entire careers. After paying your medical insurance and state licensing requirements, that $350.00 you earn per match usually leaves you in debt. It’s safe to say you’ve cut a good 20 years off your life with all the physical abuse you’ve endured, but with a name like Tony “The Toledo Typhoon” Messerbach, you owe it to your fans to slap on the spandex for one more match! (HARDEST JOBS, AVERAGE PAY: -$5000)