The growing trend in magazines and social media these days is the Pocket Dump or EDC (Everyday Carry Gear). Supposedly, it’s the items you carry on your person every time you leave the house. Now, if you’ve seen one, you know how outrageous they can get. Most include a $500 knife, a $1000 gun and holster, titanium money clips and a flashlight that could be used as a lighthouse beacon. Seriously, who in the hell carries all that? So we decided to “come back to earth” with our version of what’s really in your pockets.
1) Saturday Night Special
Nothing spells protection better than that snub-nose .38 your Uncle Tony passed down to you on your 18thbirthday. It’s only 5 shots, but getting pistol whipped with this chunk of steel is equally effective. Holster? Yeah, it’s called a coat pocket, tough guy.
2) The Strip Club Starter Kit
It’s the weekend and you’re out with the boys, and you know where you’re going to end up. Single dollar bills are a thing of the past. There is one reason Uncle Sam created the Jefferson, and her stage name is Sapphire. Of course, you have to roll with protection. Packing a quality “Happy Hat” is rule #1.
3) Light Source
There is a good chance you’re gonna be playing in the dark at some point. Whether it’s looking for your underwear behind the dumpster or lighting that 50-year-old cougar’s menthol cigarette, you can’t go wrong with a Zippo. Sure, you could use your cell phone, but last time I checked, that feature isn’t available on Grandma’s $17 Jitterbug.
4) Take care of the Badonkadonk
You thought you got the deal of the century with those 25-cent street tacos, but blowing out your O-Ring is no laughing matter. Packing a Preparation H ass wipe can literally save your culo and keep you in the fight until the sun rises.
5) Shanks a lot!
Who thought your warehouse job at Goodwill would equip you for the mean streets of East Brunswick? That’s right, no need for a $500 folding knife when an $11 box cutter does the exact same job. Now you can pay Mom all that rent money you owe for living in her basement.