This may not surprise you, but we like beer. Regular, blue-collar, flag-waving American beer. Call us old fashioned, but there is nothing better than an ice-cold Miller High Life after a long day’s work. Although we’ve avoided the craft beer trend over the past few decades, we thought it was finally time to strap on our skinny jeans to see how the other half lives.
Craft Beer Taste Test
To be completely fair, our publisher bought five random fruit-* or legume-flavored (WTF?) craft beers online. Then we conducted a blind taste test on them. Little did we know it would be a day that would live in infamy.
Beer No.1: Brew Rebellion — Strawberry Milkshake Double IPA
Jason
- SMELL: I smell Fruity Pebbles mixed with a bad air freshener. No, make that shitty baby diapers in a Tijuana restroom.
- TASTE: It’s like I just drank urine mixed with grapefruit juice that’s been stirred with a sweaty penis. My mouth hates me right now.
- FINAL THOUGHT: I wish the beer tasted as good as the label looks. I mean, they have a cow wearing a mustache arm wrestling a hipster. Now that’s good marketing.
Ben
- SMELL: I’m thinking of a field … yes, a field full of cow shit and someone’s spraying Glade air freshener to mask the stench.
- TASTE: It tastes like Pepto-Bismol and urine after a hard night of drinking.
- FINAL THOUGHT: I wish I knew more words for disappointment.
Beer No. 2: Evil Twin Brewing — Pink Lemonade IPA
Jason
- SMELL: Again, I smell grapefruit and I’m a little afraid. Seriously, what’s up with all this fruit shit?
- TASTE: (Groans in pain.) Ahhh … it’s pink lemonade-flavored Emergen-C mixed with stale Hefeweizen.
- FINAL THOUGHT: A cat just used my mouth as a litter box — no, make that a filthy raccoon.
Ben
- SMELL: Oh, I know this smell. It’s hobo prison wine!
- TASTE: I definitely taste a cheap wine cooler right now. Possibly leftover Bartles & Jaymes from the late 20th century.
- FINAL THOUGHT: If an old man made me drink his piss, it would taste like this. Trust me, I know.
Beer No. 3: Belching Beaver — Peanut Butter Milk Stout
Jason
- SMELL: The look says “Guinness,” but it smells like stale chocolate.
- TASTE: If you came back to a party seven days later and poured all the leftover beer in a cup, it would taste better than this.
- FINAL THOUGHT: Worst beer ever. Belching Beaver Brewery? What the fuck does that even mean? Seriously, why couldn’t they just name it “Smith’s Shitty Beer”? I say just call it what it is.
Ben
- SMELL: I’m literally shaking right now. (Turns to Jason in fear.) Please don’t make me drink it. It looks like motor oil.
- TASTE: OK, I’m going to vomit. It’s staining the top of my glass right now — imagine what it’s doing to my intestines!
- FINAL THOUGHT: I don’t want to be here anymore.
Beer No. 4: 21st Amendment — Hell or High Watermelon Wheat Beer
Jason
- SMELL: It’s sweet, and not in a good way. Who in the hell likes this?
- TASTE: Bleh! Tastes like two-day old flat beer blended with some canned fruit cocktail.
- FINAL THOUGHT: I want this nightmare to be over. I’m not kidding. I need to call my agent — if only I had one.
Ben
- SMELL: Watermelon … definitely smell watermelon.
- TASTE: It’s not destroying my senses, but I’m still feeling a little sick from the last beer.
- FINAL THOUGHT: It’s probably the best out of the bunch, but If you told me a cigarette was floating in the keg, I’d believe it.
Beer No. 5: Ballast Point — Habanero Sculpin IPA (*Yes, peppers are technically fruits, F*cko, not vegetables.)
Jason
- SMELL: I’m thinking citrus. It’s not offending me. We may have a winner here …
- TASTE: Jesus Mother of Mercy! I’m having an allergic reaction right now. Is it getting hot in here? This is a f*cking kamikaze beer. It’s a sneak attack. It’s burning my throat. Give me the milkshake buttf*ck beer any day over this habanero bullshit.
- FINAL THOUGHT: The bottle says, “Dedicated to the Craft.” It should say, “Dedicated to the Craft of F*cking Up Beer.”
Ben
- SMELL: I like this one — nice light aroma.
- TASTE: Fuck! It’s like an atomic fireball and pop rocks are going off in my mouth right now. It’s a trick! Totally deceiving, like the Waffle House. You leave happy, but then the explosive diarrhea kicks in.
- FINAL THOUGHT: My mouth just got sodomized. (Is that even a thing?) Somebody please pass the Anal-Eze, uh, I mean Orajel.
We have a recurring column in Skillset Magazine called “The Hard Stuff.” If you liked this article, make sure to check out “40 Ounces Of Freedom“! Also, grab your subscription to Skillset at OutdoorGroupStore.com.
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