Half the price, double the alcohol! Nothing says “player” like a fridge full of malt liquor and an eviction notice pinned to your door. This ghetto Kool-Aid has been endorsed by Sublime and every gangsta rapper since 1980. So head straight to the corner store and get that skunk-flavored booze you’re looking for. Sure, this 40 oz beer is low in the cooler, below misery and regret, but it’s there … like it’s always been.
In the immortal words of Billy Dee Williams, “It works every time.” We are guessing that means you will end up with an upset stomach and ass breath by the time you swallow that last sip. This 8-percent ABV gem from the Pabst Brewing Company has been manning the streets since 1963. Pabst even experimented with a mint version to go with your pack of menthols. Lando Calrissian says there are two rules to remember if you want to have a good time:
- Rule No. 1: Never run out of Colt 45.
- Rule No. 2: Never forget rule No. 1.
Nicknamed the “Crooked I,” this malt liquor one-ups the competition with its 8.2-percent ABV. It even claims it’s a “high gravity” brew, like anyone who drinks this shit knows what that means. First hitting the pavement in 1987, Pabst knew they were behind the power curve, so they did what any respectable company would do: Get every rapper in the world to endorse it. A few years later and boom! — you see an empty bottle on every street corner. Plus, with a tag line like “Get your girl in the mood quicker, get your jimmy thicker — St. Ides,” how could you go wrong?
Olde English 800
This one is definitely for my homies. OE800, more commonly known as “8-Ball,” is the undisputed “King of Malt Liquor.” This 8-percent ABV concoction has been on the streets since 1964 and is a staple in any hood rat starter kit. The “experts” at RateBeer.com crowned OE as the “Worst Beer in the World,” but anyone who gives an apricot smoothie IPA nine out ten stars doesn’t need to be touching this hobo piss. Stay in your lane snowflake and watch how Eazy-E does it.
Known as 40 ounces of clear liquid gold, the Cobra is a fine beverage when you need to take the edge off, but still have to stay straight for that child support hearing. Brewed by Anheuser-Busch and only coming in at 6-percent ABV, King Cobra doesn’t really have the snake bite that’s advertised on its label. But don’t worry, it smells like a three-day-old yeast infection and tastes like your grandpa’s balls, so you will definitely get your two dollars’ worth.
Ah! — the national drink of white hoodlums from coast to coast. Mickey’s “Fine” Malt Liquor struts into the trailer park like a drunken Conor McGregor, with its infamous green bottle and angry boxing bee logo. But you need gimmicks like this when you’re only producing a 5.6-percent ABV bottle of disappointment. You would think that the Miller Brewing Company would enter the ring with something a little more potent — but then again, maybe needing to pound more than one is a brilliant sales strategy. Drink up!
If you want more hard-hitting journalism like this (or just enjoy cheap booze as much as we do), pick up a back issue of Skillset at OutdoorGroupStore.com. Also, listen to our weekly podcast, Skillset Live!