Ah, the internet! It’s a place where virtual tough guys can hide behind keyboards and talk trash to anyone. All without even the remotest chance that they will ever be held accountable for their insults and abuses. What a beautiful time we live in. Why should I go to a gym and spend all that time and money training when I can just sucker punch you from my safe space in mom’s basement? Hell, I’m already armed with some doozies from these 5 best movie insults of all time.
Laying Down the Verbal Thrashing with these 5 Best Movie Insults
Death threats? Doxing? Insults to your immediate family? Oh, yeah—we got all that coming for you if you want this smoke. Just don’t ask to meet me in public to settle our differences. That would mean that I would have to physically own my words. And if you didn’t know, it’s 2021, and that’s not how things work these days.
So, where is the one place we can all enjoy a good insult and not risk getting banned from Twitter because you hurt someone’s feelings? You know, a place where pencil-necked geeks and meathead MMA fighters can sit side by side and both feel the satisfaction of a good burn? Well, you might have to rewind the memory banks a little, but before riots, looting, impending virus deaths and mind-control vaccines, we all ganged up and experienced vicarious thrills at the verbal smackdowns dropped by big-screen movie bullies on their unsuspecting victims.
Now, a good movie insult can really go a long way. In fact, I use Biff Tannen’s famously misspoken one-liner from Back to the Future—“Why don’t you make like a tree…and get out of here?”—pretty much on a daily basis. Of course, no one gets it, but when I follow it with Jules Winnfield’s, “English, motherf**ker, do you speak it?” from Pulp Fiction, it tends to rapidly thin the herd at IHOP and my wait time is cut down to minutes.
So, let’s take a look at some of my favorite movie insults and the reactions they got (and continue to get via streaming) when blasted on the silver screen!
Full Metal Jacket
The insult: “Who the f*ck said that? Who’s the slimy, little, communist sh*t, twinkle-toed c*cksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy f**king godmother said it? Out-f**king-standing!”
Whoa, as a retired Marine, this one hit home! I remember watching this movie in high school right before I signed my life away at the local recruiter’s office. I asked the salty sergeant sitting across from me if boot camp was going to be like the movie. He smiled and said, “Of course not!” Well, for once in the history of armed forces recruiting, this recruiter told the truth. It was worse. Marine Corps drill instructors are masters of belittling a human being down to the level of a tiny maggot. And not just your average maggot that feasts on three-day old beef stew, but instead the maggot that lives in pig sh*t that is covered in other pig sh*t.
That said, it was, ironically, the best time of my life. I’m not even sure how that sentence makes sense, but jarheads will understand, and yes, Full Metal Jacket is pretty much true to form. (To my high-school-aged daughter: “Sorry, sweetheart, you are going to be verbally decimated on a daily basis. But hey, free college—right?”)
Monty Python And The Holy Grail
The insult: “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal-food-trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”
Now, no offense to our dentally challenged brothers and sisters across the pond, but British humor is really hard to swallow. But, in all fairness, there were some standouts among the crowd. When Benny Hill, The Young Ones or Monty Python came on the tube, I served up some tea and crumpets and enjoyed their dry-wit comedies.
This particular insult has to be one of the more famous one-liners in England’s history. In the movie, King Arthur approaches a French castle for refuge, and the verbal battle begins. Eventually, the insults lead to an attack, only to have it repelled by catapulted livestock. Yeah…I know what you are thinking, but remember, it’s British humor. We cow tip in the States, and they apparently throw farm animals.
The insult: “You’re an emotional f**king cripple. Your soul is dogsh*t. Every single f**king thing about you is ugly.”
Look, if this flick doesn’t rank in your top 10 Christmas movies, you should probably put down this magazine and pick up an issue of Women’s Health. Bad Santa is raw, offensive and definitely not politically correct, but that’s what makes it a good comedy!
In this particular scene, our serial drunkard mall Santa (Billy Bob Thornton) is getting berated by a 3-foot tall midget (Tony Cox) dressed as an elf in the food court. These two are supposed to be a criminal team, hoping to pull off a Christmas heist, but the fact that our inebriated Kris Kringle is a total F-up only serves to stir up dozens of classic insults from his vertically challenged friend. Simply put, Bad Santa is an utter train wreck that fits perfectly into most American families’ holiday movie rotations. My suggestion is to sneak it in right between Miracle on 34th Street and It’s a Wonderful Life so you can watch Aunt Becky’s head explode.
The insult: “Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
Like it or not, I’m going to lay down the law here. Adam Sandler only had two funny movies: Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. It’s the truth, and you freaking know it. While I really enjoyed both these comedies, the insult at the ending Academic Decathlon scene is one of the best in cinematic history. I’ve used this in the military, at parent-teacher conferences, during traffic stops (not recommended) and even in court (really not recommended). But, if this insult is properly timed, even the victim of this high-brow put-down will tip his hat at your uncanny ability to memorize ridiculous movie lines. Just don’t talk in that annoying Adam Sandler voice; that will definitely result in some broken teeth.
The exchange that leads to the insult…
Tommy DeVito: I said, no more shines. Maybe you didn’t hear about it; you’ve been away a long time. They didn’t go up there and tell you. I don’t shine shoes anymore.
Billy Batts: I’m only kidding with you. We’re having a party. I just came home and I haven’t seen you in a long time, and I’m breaking your balls, and you’re getting f**king fresh. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.
Tommy DeVito: I’m sorry too. It’s okay. No problem.
Billy Batts: OK, salud. (Takes a drink.) Now, go home and get your f**kin’ shine box.
Tommy DeVito: Motherf**kin’ mutt! You, you f**king piece of shit!
Considering that I married into a large, “traditional” Italian family, it’s in my best interest to mention one of the most famous gangster movies of all time, Goodfellas. This flick is a staple in anyone’s mafia movie library, and this particular scene shows how true gangsters handle their business. Billy Batts, a “made” member of the Gambino crime family, gets out of prison, and in a drunken stupor, insults an up-and-coming gangster named Tommy DeVito. One thing leads to another, and Billy ends up in a car trunk wrapped in blood-soaked tablecloths.
This scene is even more iconic because before they take Billy out into the forest to bury his body, they have to stop by Tommy’s mom’s house for some late-night Italian pasta. I mean, you can’t hack a gangster into pieces and bury him in a shallow grave on an empty stomach, right? That scene was hilarious! Wait…you laughing at me? You think I’m funny? Funny how? Like I’m a clown, I amuse you? How in the f**k am I funny to you? What in the f**k is so funny about me? Huh? Huh? Ah…I’m just kidding, you stuttering pr*ck! I almost had ya!
Well, I hope you have enjoyed a look back at some of these classic verbal ass-kickings, and maybe they will spark a little creativity during your next Thanksgiving-dinner dustup with your liberal cousins. And if all else fails, just remember the immortal words of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: “Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag puke piece o’sh*t, Pvt. Pyle, or did you have to work on it?”
This article was originally published in the Ballistic Magazine June/July 2021 issue. Subscription is available in print and digital editions at OutdoorGroupStore.com. Or call 1-800-284-5668, or email firstname.lastname@example.org.